the future is unpredictable, and that is scary

I dread the day that I completely let go of the person I used to be, in view of the fact that I do not know if my future self will be a better, healed and kinder version of myself, or conversely a broken soul with a shattered heart, full of dispiritedness and disappointments.

I am eager to take a look into the chest, which is for the time being carefully guarded by time's brave soldiers and peer into where my life is going to be steered next. Simultaneously, the relentlessness that haunts me in regard to how the future's mask will mold my face is daunting.

I am filled over the top with contradictory thoughts that make my head spin unceasingly, and all this because of something that I, with my mundane mind, cannot properly fathom. I know destiny will eventually take on the wheel and it will blunt the internal wounds conducted by this life that I was inherently born into, yet I cannot help but wonder if I am imagining this outcome, sort of twisted out of shape by hope, in order to not yield to despair, as a comfort, rather than a truth.

Am I a hypocrite for blatantly and shamelessly choosing to believe the desired outcome, banishing out of my mind's eye the possibility of a failed future? I have always been a big dreamer, "go big or go home" they would say, and I would never hesitate to act on that. I have been publicly working towards fulfilling my life-long aspirations, but the fear that they will remain mere dreams makes everything in me tremble.

What if I am, at the end of the day, not good enough? And, more importantly, will I ever be?…